Why should you read: Maybe You Should Talk to Someone?

— Book by Lori Gottlieb

Don’t you love it when books make you think and, in turn, make you more mindful? Isn’t it amazing how certain books connect you even to strangers?

Maybe You Should Talk to Someone is one of my best reads of 2023, the book I ended up telling everyone I know about as I read it. But like many other reads, it also went to the archive section over time while I moved to my subsequent reads. While travelling from Jaipur to Bangalore, I saw a lady reading the same book. In a moment, it brought back all the learnings and memorable insights. I instantly connected with this stranger and thought, isn’t that what books are about? Well, for me, Maybe You Should Talk to Someone is one such book, and that’s when I decided to gather all my thoughts and preserve them here. Maybe You Should Talk to Someone is by therapist Lori Gottlieb, who experienced an unexpected breakup in her 40s and decided to go to therapy herself as part of her healing process. Initially, I thought it was a self-help book, but it turns out it’s a memoir of a therapist going through a hard time and going to therapy herself. Told partly as Lori goes through her therapy and partly through the therapy of her patients, this is a unique human memoir. In this book, she shares her thoughts and experiences and the journeys of a handful of her patients, each navigating through different life challenges.

Conversations between therapist and client are included throughout Maybe You Should Talk to Someone. Throughout the book, we get to know several of Lori’s patients and their stories. These patients’ stories are pretty absorbing, and the authenticity of their sessions rings true. On top of all her patient’s lies sessions with John, a narcissistic Hollywood TV show writer. Many people may find John’s character very irritating initially, but for some reason, I found myself invested most in his therapy sessions from the beginning. Partly, it could be because we all meet some John-like person frequently in our lives; at least, that applies to me very well :p. It’s pretty fascinating to see how Gottlieb’s conversational writing style take us to John’s character development and self-discovery journey. Her commentary makes reading it so enjoyable as well as emotional to see how John started therapy in the beginning because of his sleeping problems. And slowly, as his story unfolds, his problems seem so much more deeply rooted in childhood traumas and past incidents. Just like Lori already writes at the beginning of one of John’s sessions — “It’s impossible to get to know people deeply and not come to like them”. Other than John, patients include Julie- a terminal illness patient trying to live her last days to the best; Rita- a victim of spousal abuse, trying to move on in life in her 60s; and Charlotte- a young lady trying to get out of alcohol abuse and toxic relationships. I found myself super engaged and invested in the stories of all of Lori’s clients, and I would genuinely describe these as illuminating. The stories are compelling, even though you can’t help but wonder whether everything ended with such a round, dramatic-style ending. Being a therapist is no easy work, and this book puts into perspective how emotionally difficult it is.

While we went through therapy sessions with Lori’s clients, we also walked through the door with Lori for sessions with her therapist, Wendell. As the sessions continue, Lori takes us back to the beginning of her career, transitioning from a writer in a medical drama in Los Angeles to becoming a therapist. The way the experiences of Lori’s clients are mirrored with her own in therapy drove home this idea for me that even in all the different shades of humanity, we are all connected through human relationships and interactions. Gottlieb is not shy about revealing her issues and her thoughts, as well as the process of therapy she undergoes for herself. I appreciate the courage the author showed to write about her unfiltered emotions regarding her experiences with her therapist. I like Gottlieb’s writing style; she has an excellent sense of pacing and draws the reader into her patients’ lives and her own life without making the book feel peering. She shows how every person has similar issues, struggles and fears and how even the most demanding clients can find something of value in therapy. Gottlieb’s conversational tone makes you reflect on yourself and what you want to do with your life. Her commentary dialogues between sessions are well-constructed in a friendly style with much insight, depth, and meaning in every paragraph.

Embedded within this book are numerous nuggets of invaluable and immediate wisdom. Sprinkled throughout the book are snippets of psychology, including explanations of defence mechanisms, stages of change, tasks of mourning, and brief glimpses of the contributions of psychologists like Freud, Erikson, and Franklin. It’s almost like getting a psychology education. One of my favourite chapters is “What Not to Say to a Dying Person” (don’t-> say “Everything happens for a reason”; do-> be genuine — even if it means admitting you don’t know how to respond) and the other one related to— Welcome to holland. I adore the book’s ambivalence and emphasis on the duality of our experiences: to erase pain is also to mute joy, and closure is a myth — rather than coming to an insightful, conclusive end, we must find meaning in the middles of our stories.

Here are a few of my favourite snippets from this book:

We marry our unfinished business.
It’s not that people want to get hurt again. It’s that they want to master a situation in which they felt helpless as children. Freud called this “repetition compulsion”

…people who are demanding, critical, and angry tend to suffer from intense loneliness. I know that a person who acts this way both wants to be seen and is terrified of being seen.

…therapy is about understanding the self that you are. But part of getting to know yourself is to unknown yourself — to let go of the limiting stories you’ve told yourself about who you are so that you aren’t trapped by them, so you can live your life and not the story you’ve been telling yourself about your life.

There is a difference between pain and suffering , Wendell says. Everyone feels pain at times — but you don’t have to suffer so much. You’re not choosing the pain, but you’re choosing the suffering.

you can’t get through your pain by diminishing it, he reminded me. You get through your pain by accepting it and figuring out what to do with it. You can’t change what you are denying or minimising.

Don’t judge your feelings ; notice them. Use them as your map. Don’t be afraid of the truth.

The internet can be both a salve and an addiction, a way to block out pain(the salve) while simultaneously creating it (the addiction). When the cyber-drug wears off, you feel worse not better.

Anger is to go-to feeling for most people because its outward-directed — angrily blaming others can feel deliciously sanctimonious. But often its only the tip of the iceberg, and if you look beneath the surface, you’ll glimpse submerged feelings you either were not aware of or didn’t want to show: fear, helplessness, envy, loneliness, insecurity. And if you can tolerate these deeper feelings long enough to understand them and listen to what they’re telling you, you’ll not only manage your anger in more productive ways, you also won’t be so angry all the time.

Modern man thinks he loses something — time — when he doesn’t do things quickly; yet he doesn’t know what to do with the time he gains except kill it.

Doing something prompts you to do something else, replacing a vicious cycle with a virtuous one. Most big transformations come about from the hundreds of tiny, almost imperceptible, steps we take along the way.

Bottom line

This book is a perfect example that it’s not always an end goal or target but the process or path that matters most. Heading to therapy when life throws you a curveball may be just what you need to do to face your problems head-on. It is a process, not a quick fix, and it can be a wonderfully fulfilling relationship that develops over time. Committing each week to talk with a trained professional has the potential to allow you to feel supported and understood. And I did learn a lot about that!

I adore books that make me laugh, teach me things and make me think about stuff I’ve never thought of before. It helps us understand the actions and situations we face daily and what can be done. Though I found some parts a little bland and self-indulgent at times, this book is still absolutely worth a read for its nuanced wisdom. It’s a fascinating book about therapy, how it works, and some of the psychology behind it utilised by therapists. If you are struggling with your mental health or love to know more about mental health, this is a book you should never miss. It’s the quintessential therapy we all need some time in our lives!!