The Courage to be Disliked- So What is it exactly about?
— Book by Ichiro Kishimi and Fumitake Koga
The Courage to be Disliked by Ichiro Kishimi and Fumitake Koga is a well-acquainted name for someone familiar with notable self-help books. Thanks to the thought-provoking title, this book has become my introductory read about the psychological views of the famous Austrian psychiatrist Alfred Adler. This book is primarily an accessible exploration of the work of Adler and the completely new school of psychology he established at the beginning of the twentieth century, Individual Psychology, generally referred to as Adlerian psychology. Today Adlerian psychology enjoys a broad base of support in Europe and the USA and presents straightforward answers to the philosophical question: how can one be happy? Having analysed Adler’s work for decades, the two Japanese authors wanted to make ‘Adlerian’ psychology more accessible, presenting an adapted version of it through this book. Now that we have a brief understanding of Adler and his new school of psychology, I will go back to discussing this book.
Rooted in Adlerian psychology, the authors have presented this book as a creative questioning style used by the famous Greek philosopher Socrates. Socratic dialogues present a discussion of moral and philosophical problems between two or more individuals in a dramatic or narrative way. Similarly, this book is also written as a dialogue through a conversation between a youth and a philosopher. The young man is someone dissatisfied with life, sees this world as a chaotic mess and doesn’t believe in any notion of happiness. Ultimately frustrated with his own life, the cynical youth visits the philosopher who thinks the world is simple and everyone can be happy. In the series of discussions that follow, the youth slowly progresses to get clarity on questions that most people struggle to understand in their life. In response, the philosopher doesn’t just tell the young man what to think but creates a dialogue wherein the youth argues back and seeks understanding. Over the course of five conversations, the philosopher introduces the youth to various aspects of Adlerian Psychology and helps him understand how to take control of his own life and happiness. At first, the dialogue pattern is a little unusual and a bit uncomfortable to read. Still, various pleasing pointers to life and situations are explained very well and worth chewing over. You will have to read the whole thing to benefit from it.
The Courage to Be Disliked is not a rule book but an extremely logic-oriented book aimed at happiness and life. There is a lot that goes on in this book, but to me, the most significant revelations are:
1. There is no such thing as trauma. Your past doesn’t determine you, what you make of it does.
This is the very first point this book talks about and is quite controversial as well. Still, in Adlerian philosophy, there is no such thing as trauma — cause-and-effect relationships about past life events don’t exist. As per Adler’s psychology — emotions are manufactured because we choose to experience those emotions. When we’re unhappy, we want our circumstances to be different from what they are. We are using our circumstances as a justification for our unhappiness. Hence if we want to change that, we can; it’s not hardwired into our brains. While I don’t completely agree with this point, the authors have presented many interesting psychological arguments and opportunities to delve into our attitudes to life.
In Adler’s words, ‘no experience is in itself a cause of our success or failure, we do not suffer from the shock of our experience but instead we make out of them whatever suits our purposes. We are not determined by our experiences but the meaning we give them is self-determining’.
2. All problems are interpersonal relationship problems.
This is a concept that runs to the very root of Adlerian Psychology. If all interpersonal relationships were gone from this world, which is to say, if one were alone in the universe and all other people were gone, all manner of problems would disappear. Our very existence is in the assumption that there exist other humans. Living without others in the world is impossible, so all the problems are interpersonal relationship problems. Loneliness doesn’t come from being all alone but rather the feeling of exclusion from your community and the people surrounding you. When one seeks recognition from others and concerns oneself only with how one is judged by others, in the end, one is living other people’s lives.
We seek freedom from interpersonal relationships, which is impossible. Real freedom is being disliked by (some) other people, and releasing our attachment to it.
3. Separation of tasks and building Horizontal relationships
This is the crux of the book and what most of us struggle with in our daily life. This book states that we can’t live trying to satisfy the expectations of others and that we should discard the need to seek recognition from others. The question from Adlerian psychology is to ask ourselves, “Whose task is this?” Asking this question will unlock the power within us to affect our perspective and will make our life much more straightforward.
The courage to be disliked culminates on a tenet of Adlerian psychology that states, “One must not praise, and one must not rebuke.” It’s a bit difficult for me, but I can see in it the roots of a healthy conversation. The bottom line is that we should not be offering empty praise for someone, which starts to define a hierarchy between people. To have the courage to be disliked, we need to be able to look at others as equals, not above or below us. Redefining our hierarchy in the world can change our life for the better.
“Remember the words of the grandmother — you’re the only one who’s worried about how you look — her remark drives right to the heart of the separation of tasks — what other people think when they see your face, that is the task of other people and is not something you have any control over”.
4. Confidence in others and Contribution to others
If we go by this book, unconditional confidence is the foundation of any deep relationship. When you switch from attachment to self to concern for others, confidence in others becomes essential. Even if you don’t have objective grounds for trusting someone, you should believe without troubling yourself with things such as security. Confidence doesn’t mean you maintain confidence indefinitely if you are betrayed — you are free to sever a relationship at any time. It is just doing without any set conditions whatsoever when believing in others. And it is through contribution to others and commitment to one’s community that one can feel “I am of use to someone” and come to accept one’s existential worth. This helps in self-acceptance, and the pursuit of that feeling of contribution is the pursuit of happiness.
Contribution to others, rather than being about the getting rid of the ‘I’ and being of service to someone, is actually something one does in order to be truly aware of the worth of ‘I’.
Like me, you will also fall into a trap when you read through the examples; it feels like this sounds familiar, like my friend, colleague, etc. This book provided many light bulb moments, quite relatable to my present situation. Sometimes the dialogue seems unnatural and contrived as the youth is portrayed as outraged and argumentative. At the same time, the philosopher only speaks in Adler’s terms and always uses his name to end the discussion or draw a conclusion, none of which seems a healthy way of debating. The simplicity of explanations & the distinction between how we think and how we CAN think makes this book worth reading. It makes me think about things differently, helps me to know what interpersonal relationships impact my life, and gives me a direction to find answers. I have significantly shifted my views about my place in this society due to these ideas. Even if you disagree with parts of Adlerian psychology, the shift in thoughts that this book evokes is indeed fresh and much needed in hindsight. You don’t necessarily have to agree with everything, as it gets you think from a different perspective.
HAPPY READING :-)
